An idea I had while taking a shit.
Celebrity Assassin
Copyright 2012 By Chongchen Saelee
In the near future, popular culture will have such an influential effect on the way the world works that movie stars run the government, pornstars are Goodwill Ambassadors, rap stars are heads of church. And the world is connected via the Internet 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. At any given moment, anyone with a trackable device can have their inner thoughts monitored via satelite and the data contribute to an Automated Effects and Consequences System (AECS). The AECS is a global initiative designed to regulate populations of people depending on what the collective world’s “thought” of that group is. It is an incredibly fatalistic system, one where if the world willed it, could even destroy the world population itself. However, this forces the world populations to deal with their conflicts in a civil and diplomatic manner if they don’t want to all die. This was a strategic treaty implemented by the U.S. Pentagon, run by General Justin Bieber.
In good ol’ United States, Hollywood (the government) has released a new reality television show sponsored by Budweiser called Celebrity Assassin. The show takes viewers all over the globe, following an elite group of contract killers working for Hollywood. Viewers can send in to the show via text messages a vote for which assassin had the fanciest kill, best weapons usage, most handsome, or some other trivial criteria. It’s like The Bachelor meets American Idol. When Hollywood wants someone dead, it meticulously plots, scripts and controls the events up until the point of execution, and it’s all televised, and the viewers love it. “Celeb Assassin runs over suicide-bomber chihuaha with Big Foot truck” has over 25 million views on YouTube and is still one of the highest rated kills for the show targeting children ages 4 to 12.
That is, until one day, Hollywood orders for the death of an innocent civilian. The President of the United States, an Academy Award-Winning actor, writer, director, and producer, orders the newly-crowned Celeb Assassin, Fred Astaire, to track down and kill an English teacher believed to be passing the Colonel’s Secret Recipes to Russian communists, who are slowly rising as the world’s leader of deep-fried chicken.
Now the United States citizens are in a frenzy to “help” track down John Doe and mooch off the limelight. Vigilantes from every walk of life emerge from obscurity for a chance to meet the Celebrity Assassin, and possibly get an autograph! Junky twin strippers, armed with shotguns, want to get their breast implants signed before installation. A talking dog and his boy want to win a new X-Box and a lifetime supply of Mountain Dew, who plan to rob the assassin. A doctor, priest, and rabbi go on a coming-of-age road trip across America in hopes of reclaiming their youth and losing their virginity with the help of the assassin. A policeman just fired from duty because of an itchy trigger finger goes on a shooting spree in hopes of meeting his hero Fred Astaire and killing him. A single, desperate middle-aged woman along with her commando father join the race to force the assassin’s hand in marriage.
Who will stop the assassination before an innocent man is killed? How much is the entertainment value worth? Will Hollywood figure out its mistake before it’s too late? Who will save John Doe before Fred Astaire gets to him?
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I haven’t had this much fun writing satire since my college days. If it sounds a lot like the shitty “Gamer”, I assure you the tone is entirely different and the message is more important than the shocking visuals.
Tags: assassin, celebrity, crude, fox, humor, lewd, low brow, mass media, nsfw, obscene, politics, satire, tasteless, youtube