Through the Eyes of an Idiot Adult: First Sex

This satirical piece is written with YouTube’s NigaHiga in mind for the main player/narrator. He doesn’t have to pay me for it, as long as he gives me credit for writing it.

By Chongchen Saelee

In America, there is a stigma held against those who have never had any sexual experience. Out of a culture rebelling against the strict teachings of Christianity and abstinence, supposedly to strengthen the institution of marriage, a counter-culture was born where those that weren’t indulging in their sexual desires were called “virgins”, after the Virgin Mary (long story short, who had an immaculate conception of a child Jesus without apparently having sex). So, it is in the modern culture that to be a “virgin” is something to be looked down upon because it doesn’t go against this country’s main religion.

But through my observation, it would have to be those who are raised in this strict culture that indulge in their repressed sexuality the most. The stereotypes of highly sexual Catholic girls exists for a reason. And to be fair, the highly sexual Catholic priests speak about some sexual repression itself. Sex in itself is probably had by mostly stupid people. It’s not that it’s instinctual, humans don’t have instinct. It’s because they are the ones most susceptible to the media propaganda highly saturated with sex. They are the most gullible.

Let’s face it, America is a war-like nation. After having conquered its empire, the big white caveman planted himself into a harem of whores that serviced his manhood all night and day. He grew too accustomed to the ecstasy. Eventually, his empire started to crumble. Things that needed more tending to was getting neglected. Wars were breaking out on the streets. No one had dusted the Armoire.

So after his manhood was suckled so thoroughly, wrinkled like a hairless weasel, he ordered his whores to go fix the problems in his empire. The whores found the tasks to be quite arduous as the damage was worse than thought. Eventually, these whores were working full-time fixing these problems, trying to restore the empire back to its valor.

In that time, the white caveman sat back still feeling a sense of accomplishment. But with no whores around to pleasure him, he devised some serious methods of self-pleasure. The leader had mastered the art of self-love with his mouth. It is believed that before the wild wolf was domesticated, the leader owned one as a pet. The pet wolf watched his master indulge in himself to the point it attempted to do the same, and apparently liked it so much that is why modern dogs do what they do.

The leader would have his generals and other subordinates pleasure him, too, but most of the time while he was sitting on his throne, you’d see his head bobbing up and down and his knees sticking up in the air. It was very manic behavior, but very respectable because he was their leader. Pretty soon, the subordinates would learn his ways, too. Having firsthand experience in pleasuring the leader, the subordinates would take their technique home and onto themselves. The whole empire of white cavemen had learn to self-love in the absence of whores.

So, like lions mark their territory with their scent, these white cavemen would walk around the town square and spray their scent whenever. They walk up to a close friend and with a little jerk and two pelvic thrusts just blasts his friend in the face with man-spray. That was the common greeting of the time.

Eventually, the leader would have to step down from the throne, his manhood completely worn out, shriveled, and toughened from exhaustion of self-love. He appointed his uninitiated, virgin son to take the throne. Unfortunately, his son was an idiot.

When the boy came of age, he would run around and randomly spray people in the face with his man-juice. Like getting hit in the eye with grapefruit juice. The boy would spray anyone and everyone in the face. His most pleasurable target was to get his man-juice inside anyone’s mouth. That made him roll on the floor laughing.

One day, his father, on his death bed, told his son of an ancient ritual that he must go through in order to become a complete man. Up until this point, the boy had only known of self-love, or wasn’t really aware of it, as it would have been considered the norm. The old man tells his son that in order to continue the bloodline, he must marry a whore and consummate the marriage in order to produce offspring. Otherwise, the boy leader would never assume the throne as a true leader, but as a disgraceful virgin.

And not wanting to be a virgin, because society didn’t like them, the boy set out to find whores who would consider making him a complete man.

He stumbles upon a shantytown, almost like an empire, which had been constructed by the former whores of his father’s empire. There, in Whoretown, the whores were prosperous and happy and luxurious. But they had also progressed sexually the same way the white cavemen had, in that they were self-loving, too. And into their womb world comes a young man, spear in hand, pointing it at any available whores.

And adult whore approaches the young man and lets him suckle her ample supple bosoms. She then takes him to her garden to show him her flower collection. Eventually, the whore subdues the young man with a tainted drink and as he lie their half able to control his body, the whore gives him a complete work-through.

We the boy awakens, now as a man, the whore reveals that she is the leader of the whores. She knew the day she would have to fulfill the prophecy of the two empires that was about to go to war. It would mean the fall of the white caveman empire. She tells the man to return to his empire and inform his father of this message. It was time to go to war.

The man proudly strut his way back into his empire, which embraced him in their strong arms and hands. They proudly serviced him all the way to the throne, strong men, lining up into the distant to pay tribute to their new king. His father, the former leader, overlooking this wonderous event, asks his son what is going on in his mind? Has he conceived an heir? And who is the whore that will carry the child to birth?

The new leader, being an idiot, had ignored anything the whore had told him about an impending war. However, he blurted out to his father, “I went to the whore store were a whore took my pee-pee, it got really big and hard, and she put it in her vajajay, and she used her hands and mouth on it, and sometimes she put it in her bunghole, and then finally she made me hurt really bad and I said hi all over her face. After I hurted really bad, then it felt really good. She then went back to sitting in her chair and touching herself violently down there like a whore.” And the new leader is grinning from ear to ear, patting himself on the back.

The old man, so dumbfounded by his son’s stupidity, drops dead.

The End.

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